I am DONE

Before I begin my rant about what exactly I am "done" with, let me begin by offering some of my favourite aspects of being a mommy to my baby girl. For, if I do not speak of the positive aspects of parenting, I fear I will sound like one of those super unhappy mommas that only complains about how terrible it is to have a child...someone who begs the question, "Well, what did you THINK it was going to be like?" If I don't offer up a balanced view before my coming complaints, my skewed negativity may actually MAKE me more of a pessimistic mommy, and I just don't want that.

So, some WONDERFUL things about my little baby girl:

1) Since Evalie was only about 4 weeks old, we have been enjoying between 5-8 hours of solid sleep per night. This is a gift worth more than any parent could ask for! Every once in a while, she breaks this pattern, but more often than not, I wake looking at the clock then smiling.

2) Evalie is super happy at home. She smiles, she explores, she plays, she brightens my life.

3) I haven't had to deal with any breastfeeding difficulties (besides just the usual learning of the dance). She eats like a champ, and I am continually thankful for God's provision for milk and a good latch.

After seeing the above tremendously wonderful boasts about my baby Evalie...you may wonder, "Whatever does Erika have to complain about?" Well...let me tell you.

I am DONE with driving Evalie around. SHE HATES HER CARSEAT. She hates the car. She hates being buckled in the car seat. And, before you go offering all sorts of unsolicited advice, please realize that this is NOT for lack of trying EVERYTHING we can think of to remedy the situation. Unlike many parents who talk about driving around their babies for hours to try to get them to stay asleep, we have the opposite problem.

And I am DONE.

I just can't do it anymore. I think I have given it a good shot...12 weeks is a pretty good amount of time to try to deal with it. But, anytime I want to go anywhere, I have to listen to crying crying crying. And, not just the usual, "I am tired, I am hungry, I am sad" crying. Nope. This is the, "Mom!!! You know what is wrong! Get me outta here! Why won't you help me?! You KNOW how to fix this problem...so why won't you FIX IT NOW!?!?" It's the red in the race, eyes wide open, sweat dripping down her head kind of crying. And, then I join right in.

Yes, I cry.

I cry right along side my baby girl. Because I know that I COULD make it better. I could easily take her out of that car seat (which I do right in our parking lot before I even take her into the apartment building) and hold her and shhhh her and make it all better. But, I choose to keep her safe, to keep her locked in that terrible monstrous contraption that is ensuring her life continues in case of an accident. Yes, I know she is unhappy, but she is also SAFE.

It breaks my heart. And, I just can't do it anymore. Aside from the rare errand where we MUST drive, I am now walking everywhere with her (case and point: dentist appointment today...what a wonderful dry warm overcast day for a walk). No more road trips. No more long days running about town to a whole bunch of different events. No more missing feeds and naps and all those things that make me and my girl happy. I need a break.

And I am taking one.

83 days...

This was the first night she wore her first sleeper...As you can see, she is SWIMMING in this newborn sized piece of clothing.

This is tonight, 83 days later. It will be the last night she wears this sleeper, because it's officially too small for her. Her arms barely fit...her feet are pushing against the bottom so hard that the top goes off her shoulders in a scandalous way!

In 83 days, our baby has doubled in size. She has learned to soothe herself to sleep (on rare occassions), how to splash in the bath water, and how to push herself up with her legs. She's discovered her hands, her tongue, her feet, and the feel of Jolie's fur. She makes eye contact, smiles, and plays copycat games. She pays attention to hockey games, talking, singing, and books. In 83 days, or baby has gone from super tiny to just tiny, from sleeping 20 hours per day to only 14 hours per day, from looking like her neck would break to having excellent head control, from still learning the breastfeeding dance to being able to anticipate and communicate about nursing.

In 83 days, I have learned her pain cry, sleepy cry, hungry cry, bored cry, dirty/wet cry, and overstimulated cry. I have learned how to bathe her by myself, how to change a diaper almost anywhere, and how to manage all of her complex transportation details. I have discovered her favourite games, her favourite times of day, her favourite sounds. I know how she likes to be held, when to give her a soother, and when the only thing that will make her quiet is ME.

In 83 days, we have discovered each other. I am still learning her, and she is still learning me...but we've come a long way. In 83 days, I have become a MAMA and she is my BABY.