Do we have to forgive someone who is not
repentant?
(First, two quick definitions:
Forgive: To give up resentment against or
stop wanting to punish someone for a perceived or real offense.
Repent: To feel remorse for wrongdoing, and
to change one’s mind and behavior regarding it.)
This is a question that is heavily weighing
on me these days…and I have researched and read…book upon book, blog post upon
blog post.
I’ve heard good arguments in the “yes”
category, and equally good arguments in the “no” category.
So…which answer do I embrace as my
own? Let me give a brief overview of
some of the Biblical evidence put forth before the jury:
NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FORGIVE THOSE WHO
ARE UNREPENTANT:
-
God didn’t forgive people in
the bible who didn’t repent of their sins
-
Only people who have repented
of their sins will be saved
-
We are to forgive as Christ
forgave; so if he didn’t forgive the unrepentant, we don’t have to either
-
We still have to treat our
trespassers with kindness and love, but we don’t actually have to forgive
them. Instead, we hand them over to the
wrath of God to have Him deal with them.
YES, YOU DO HAVE TO FORGIVE PEOPLE WHETHER
THEY REPENT OR NOT:
-
Christ actually DID forgive
people who didn’t repent (for example, the people who were crucifying him. This is rebutted by camp “NO” by saying that
Jesus actually hands them over to God the Father to deal with them.)
-
We are told to forgive many
times in the bible without the added qualifier of “those who repent.”
-
We can forgive people but still
have healthy boundaries in place especially if the person isn’t willing to
change their behavior (separating the concept of “forgiveness” and
“reconciliation”)
There are countless Bible verses to support
BOTH CAMPS. So…here’s the conclusion I
have come to (ready….drum roll…)
WE ARE ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.
Instead of asking “do we have to” (ie. What
is required of me?), how about we ask, “Is it BEST to forgive, or is it BEST
not to?”
WHAT IS THE BEST CHOICE? To forgive anyone and everyone whether they
repent or not? Or, to keep a score card
of those who actually repent and those who allegedly do not and then try to play
judge under these arguments?
My (wise beyond her years) little sister
once said, “I think that personal growth is all about doing whichever thing
placed before us is the most difficult.”
She’s right! The hardest thing is
to choose to forgive someone no matter what – to forgive the person who has no
intention of changing their ways, to forgive the person who continues to do
wrong, to forgive the person who is dead and unable to make amends, to forgive
myself and pull up my bootstraps and try to do better next time even though I
will probably fail.
Because, in my humble opinion, I cannot
even possibly repent for all of my wrongdoings!
I don’t even know all of them! I
rest believing that Christ’s blood covers all of my sins – even the ones I am
not aware of and therefore cannot repent of yet. Yes, I have a stance of willingness toward
His Spirit to change me and mold me – and therefore, people would argue I am
repentant – but I still am not completely self-aware.
As we are not aware of our wrongs toward
other people at all times, so they also are not aware of their wrongs toward us
at all times. And, even if we bring a wrong to their attention, THEY MAY SIMPLY
BE INCAPABLE of changing their behavior.
Yes, the drunken abusive man may not actually be able to get sober
today; the gossiping “friend” may not be able to stop her habit today; the
snippy coworker may not be able to improve her manners today; and on and on the
list goes.
But, it is still the BEST choice to
forgive!
Why?
Why is it best? Because, what
other choice do we have? To sit and be
angry? To allow the wrong doings of
another person to fill us with hatred?
To become darkened as they are? To begin the vicious and fruitless cycle of
seeking revenge? No thanks.
Yes, it is BEST to choose to be free from
the weight and the burden of keeping score, of holding the wrongs that someone
has committed against them. I would
rather experience lightness of heart, freedom to love, generosity of spirit,
then to carry judgment as a shackle. I would also prefer to be in charge of this state of myself, instead of having to be prisoner to another person's repentance of their behavior. Healing is in my own hands this way, and not dependent on anyone else.
I would like to clarify also that I do not
think that forgiveness is the same as continuing to put oneself in an unnecessary
position of experiencing wrongs. You
don’t have to stay in an abusive home.
You don’t have to continue to tell the gossiping friend about your life
(or even be her friend). You don’t have
to listen to the snippy coworker – or you could even get another job. You might be truly “stuck,” or you might just think
you are.
You also do not always have to give someone the
power to hurt you! You can make the
deliberate choice to say that a person no longer has such permission to control
how you feel. They can behave as they
wish, they can say what they will, and you can simply recognize that their
behavior and words are a reflection of THEM, not YOU.
Last point against the "NO" camp: if we are to "hand our trespassers over to God" and let them deal with His wrath, aren't we just eagerly awaiting revenge? I mean, maybe I am more sinful then the next person, but when I think about that concept it makes me feel super self-justified and excited that the people who have hurt and wronged me will get their due! Yes, we need to recognize that perfect justice will not happen on this earth; so why not choose forgiveness since it's not going to be "all fair" now anyway?
I have much more to say about this, but I’ll
address more topics on this later. For
now, I think I have answered this one question well enough so that I can go to
sleep now ;)
Upcoming Topics:
- Forgiveness and Reconciliation (in relationships
with others and also in our relationship with God) are not the same things
- Boundaries: can they coexist with forgiveness?
- The process of forgiveness: how do we do
it?
